— Reading the Headlines

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Back when I was growing up, we used to say something about somebody that made a mistake on what should have been an easy play. We would say that they must have been reading the headlines. Reading the headlines. They weren't focused on the play. They were thinking about signing an autograph or the press conference after the game. Or in other words, they weren't looking at the play. They were thinking about the consequences of the play. Now, what if I told you that your kids' mistakes sometimes boil down to the same problem in a little bit of a different context? They aren't worried about signing an autograph, but they are afraid of the consequences in a different way. And ultimately, their fear of the F-word failure isn't about their performance, it's about relationships. Give me a minute and I'll help explain what I mean. Now, I'm Coach Jim. Welcome to Coach Dad. Welcome to Coach Dad, a show for dads, coaches, and sports families trying to lead better at home, in the stands, and on the field. Here's your host, Jim Miller. You probably remember seeing someone do this, or maybe you are the guy. I've been there before. They're walking up to the batter's box or to the free throw line or to the penalty

— When Kids Freeze in Big Moments

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spot, and the crowd's going quiet. Other players on the field are all looking at them, slowly moving around, taking their positions. Everybody's eyes are on them. And they look like they are carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders. Instead of looking confident or even a little hopeful, they are looking around. They glance at the bench or in the stands as if to say, I'd rather be over there. And your next thought is, we're in trouble. They're in trouble. Because you know what everyone else knows, including them,

— Is It Really a Confidence Problem?

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that the odds of this guy getting the job done are slim to none. So let's ask the question: what is going on in their head? Is this a confidence problem or is it something else? Now, the answer won't surprise you, but the reason they're afraid may put a little twist on your judgment of the situation and of them in particular. So the little thing that they're probably afraid of is the F-word, which is failure. Was that obvious enough? I said it earlier, and I'm sure you caught it. But the reason that maybe they are afraid, the thing that made them afraid, may not be quite so obvious. Now, to help you understand it a little better, let me tell you a little story. A few years ago, there was a week in the NFL season when two kickers missed important field goals late in the game. Now, the first coach came out and spoke to the press after the game,

— The NFL Kicker Story

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and he said something to the effect of hey, this guy is a professional and he gets paid big bucks to make kicks like that. If we can't get him to be reliable, then his future with our team is in doubt. It's not guaranteed. Now, not long after that, Pete Carroll came out and spoke about his kick, his kicker who had missed the same similar kind of a field goal. And he said, Hey, he had missed, he may have missed today, but he's our guy. And when the next game is on the line and the chips are down, we're gonna be behind him 100%. Now, you tell me, which kicker do you think would have been more likely to perform that next time on the field? Uh the first kicker, he probably realized that his relationship with a team depended on his results. Now, good results, good relationship. Bad results, he may not have a job. Now, the second kicker realized that his relationship with his team was secure and the results were a bonus. So which one of those two guys would you have rather been? And which kicker do you think probably ended up having a better season? So if security is a big deal for you and for a 28-year-old professional athlete, then think about how much more important it is for our kids. So if we want to build kids that are fear-proof, they're not afraid to fail, then what we've got to do is we have to give them a firm and solid foundation. And that brings us to our coach dad principle for today. Fear loses power when relationships are secure. I'll say that one more time. Fear loses power when relationships are secure.

— Fear Loses Power When Relationships Are Secure

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In one of the most famous stories of all time, Eve made one of the biggest errors of all time when the craftiness of

— What Eve’s Story Teaches About Security

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the serpent's story made her doubt the security of her relationship with God. The spin he put on God's words made Eve wonder if there was something good that God didn't want her to have. She doubted his care for her, and so then she disobeyed. Um, she disobeyed what he had asked her to do. Now, in the same way, when our kids wonder if messing up is going to harm them or their relationship with us, they're more likely to botch the play. Their muscles get tense, the breathing gets shallow, and they start reading the headlines, right? And worrying about the press conference after the game. So we need to talk about how to create an environment that gives our kids the best chance for success. So, what are some things we can do then to make our kids more resilient, unafraid of making mistakes? Let's do this. Let's just hit four things really quickly that we can do as parents and as

— Four Ways to Build Resilient Kids

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coaches to help. One, we can model resilience ourselves, right? For be open about our own failures and what are the things that you learn from them. Number two, you can praise the process, not the outcome.

— 1. Model Resilience Yourself

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So talk with the uh talk with them about the things that they can do to prepare themselves. And then don't focus as much on

— 2. Praise the Process, Not the Outcome

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the results. A lot of the times, this is gonna mean redefining success. In other words, we're gonna praise the fact that they practice their free throws all week long uh instead of praising whether they made the free throw or not. So if they missed it but they practiced all week long, give them a high five for that, right? If they made it but they didn't practice, talk to them about what they can do better next time. We want to try to give them the best chance down the road. And we want to let them know that it's hard work that bears fruit. Uh number three, let them struggle safely. Let them struggle safely. Especially when they're younger, try to give them

— 3. Let Them Struggle Safely

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tasks that are bigger than they are. Give them something to accomplish that is more than you maybe believe that they could take care of. And then let them fail at the attempt. You'll be amazed, number one, at what your kids can accomplish. And number two, you're gonna be amazed at how resilient they can be in the face of adversity. And then finally, number four, make room for disappointment. In other words, acknowledge the pain of what happened, and then after they had time to process, help them move back to joy by walking them through

— 4. Make Room for Disappointment

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some gratitude. So the way we do that is we just remind them of things that they can be grateful for. We can be grateful for our family, we can be grateful for the cool uniforms, a cold drink of water in the dugout, our friends that are on the team, a chance to play the game that we really enjoy, help them walk through gratitude. That's the quickest, straightest line back to joy. Ultimately, a kid who feels safe becomes a kid who can play with courage. And I mean, let's look at it in the bigger picture of things. We talk about this all the time that that the ultimate goal is not to make better baseball players or football players or soccer players, but better people. And their ability to handle resiliently the challenges that they face in a soccer game or a volleyball game or a baseball game are gonna translate to their ability to deal with adversity later on in life. And we're playing the long game, right? We're playing the long game. So we want to try to build up kids and make kids that are not just great athletes, but are great people. That's what we're looking for. Now, if this hit home, do me a huge favor. Share it with another sports dad who is trying to lead well. Uh share it with a dad who maybe you see their kids that struggle a little bit with this. I know that it would have been helpful for me to know this years ago, right? And trying to deal with my kids and help them to be the best possible what they could be. And remember this the mission is bigger than the game, and it starts at home. Coach deck, right?